Jake Logan IS the future of boxing

By Maverick Fantana: This weekend boxing saw the continued rise of internet sensation and real-life hard man Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul). A fight so historical rumor has it Meghan Markle missed the funeral of the Duke of Edinburgh, choosing instead to stay in California so she could watch Paul vs. Askren live at a reasonable hour. Finally, we have someone to fill the void left by Amir Khan’s departure from mainstream boxing at the hands of Canelo unfairly hitting him on the break in their bout in 2016. I know, I truly know, most of you wouldn’t even know the name Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul). But I, Maverick Fantana, the only author whose name you google, am back to tell you how you need to know about this new young fella making boxing history. This is THE man who beat Ali on his debut (Ali Eson Gib) and took the undefeated records of both Nate Robison and Ben Askren.

It is easy for fight fans to dismiss records because it doesn’t fit their personal agendas, like a Matt Hancock covid contract. But this fight has just sold over one million pay-per-views! This being Jake Paul’s (brother to internet legend Logan Paul) only third professional fight. Let us just take a minute for the tingles to stop whilst our equilibrium is restored so we can visualize the next ten years of boxing’s future. A man from America who is famous off his brothers (Logan Paul) internet fame has just knocked out a former MMA champion and wrestling Olympian (who was just five places from winning Gold) in boxing rules. With one single punch, just one punch, and Ben Askren had never lost to a punch before. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, vegans, and the ungenderables, he did this with one punch. This unpredictable, outstanding, and downright entertaining dual had more PPV buys than Lennox Lewis vs. Mike Tyson!

Ben Askren, Jake Paul - Boxing News

This fight, a pure concoction of testosterone and masculinity, was so exciting a robot turned up at the weigh-in. We can only speculate how it got there, but perhaps it had escaped from some unknown data collection center that wants to know if you tested positive for the flu. Maybe it was looking for a new definitive role now Sylvester Stallone has cut it from his new Rocky IV edit. No one knows for sure but what we do know is that it was an actual seven-foot robot. How exciting is that! When Ben Askren came to get weighed in at the prime of his life no less (the late 30s), rocking the dad bod look (retired from fighting for three years), mouths were agape (not just Askren’s wanting donuts thrown into it). He looked almost like every tattooed ten quid an hour doorman from Chester who has never thrown a punch in his life but thinks he can do the task in hand. The massive midsection, tiny arms, weird smirk, which says, “I shouldn’t be here, thank goodness we’re in Chester.”

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Everyone was fooled, thinking Askren was going to win because he has been in UFC. The UFC, a place where people who box go to cash out on their names. James Toney is the only one I can think of. It was a forgone conclusion. This bloke who was a wrestler who had been in the UFC would easily beat someone at boxing because heck bruh, UFC! No one believes that the dude with the dyed blonde hair, tattooed midsection, and back, loudmouth from America would win! Except, of course, sensational peoples champion Jake Paul (brother of Logan, cousin of Arron, great-nephew of Pope John, and second cousin of that terrible French driver Henri). He knew, from the moment he picked what the internet is calling the worst striker in MMA history as an opponent, that he would win.

With hindsight, we can see from the fight stats that Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul) was better equipped in boxing. Askren is 36 against Paul, who is only 24 years old, which is six years from my calling of mandatory retirement age for boxing (or girls on tinder) because no one wants to see that in the ring. Yes, I know a lot of you are thinking, well 24 is just a baby, and 36-year-olds should be in their prime, but internet statistics for searches of a different variety confirm 18 to 24 is, in fact, the sweet spot, no pun intended, that audiences like to see with no tops on.

Ben Askren, Jake Paul - Boxing News

Michael Buffer, the man who has introduced so many legendary fights, was the MC for this record-breaking trend-setting contest. As he was announcing, you could see Ben Askren complaining to the referee Brian Stutts that Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul) was doing something wrong as Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul) frantically paced around the ring waiting to face someone who had never boxed before. I bet even Mike Tyson would have been intimidated by the ferocious display of pacing around the boxing ring. Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul) did some leg stretching which, if I remember correctly, every single boxer does in front of the MC right before they are about to fight. Remember, kids; knee bends are super important.

As Buffer read out their names Ben Askren, a wrestling legend, as his credentials suggest, plods around looking like he might have forgotten to do his kid’s homework. On the other end of the spectrum, undefeated professional boxer Jake Paul is swinging his arms side to side as his name is announced whilst sticking out his tongue. I don’t think anyone watching this, be it the 1.4 million alleged PPV buyers or myself flicking through this historic moment on youtube days later, would ever expect this sort of Danerys Targaryen mind games. But here we are, in 2021, anything could happen (but definitely not another lockdown in the UK, like mid-summer time). The bout itself didn’t last two minutes and was an epic display of boxing ability, well worth paying for.

In under three minutes, Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul) battered former MMA champ Ben Askren knocking him almost unconscious with an audacious punch, thrown with such complicated angles and force boxing purists everywhere are wondering why we aren’t seeing much more TKOs like that. Thankfully with the rise of social media such as the ones balding men in their twenties wearing extremely tight jeans are using, we can finally experience boxing in its purist and truly only form, two guys, wanting money and attention. The social media boxing belt truly belongs to Jake Paul (brother to Logan Paul)

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His brother is about to fight Floyd Mayweather in what people are describing as “The biggest fight of the century.” Ladies and gentlemen, we are here in a new era of entertainment, and boxing is at the forefront. If that doesn’t excite you, perhaps 58-year-old Evander Holyfield fighting again will.

Yours in manliness,
Fantana

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