11.12.06 – By MICHAEL MARLEY, BoxingConfidential.com: Going to Hades in a hand basket? Chances of revival, slim and none and slim is way out of town. Perhaps a plot to exterminate professional boxing altogether? Maybe it is but one thing we can all agree on is that the bifurcated heavyweight title, divided into four parts, is a sick joke on every sucker who has ever forked over $49.95 for a pay-per-view show or $200 for a cheap seat ticket in Vegas.
Herewith Mastermind Marley’s Top 10 Reasons The Heavyweight Division’s stock is lower than Don Rumsfeld’s testosterone levels….
1. A glorified sparring partner named Ray Austin fights less than slick southpaw Sultan Ibragimov, Iggy to his comrades in Russia, in an IBF eliminator. It’s a watchable draw on ESPN and no one is eliminated. Both of them get mandatory title shots, Iggy against Sir Wheezalot, Shannon Briggs (who figures to hit Iggy so hard the Kremlin will gyrate) and Austin against Larry Merchant’s long lost nephew, Dr. W. Klitschko. Talk about your magical HBO doubleheaders, wow. Maybe the HoBOes will toss in low lights from another guaranteed stinker, Jameel “I’m No Schlemiel” McCline, against Nickolay “My Head Is So Large My Cell Phone Number Is In Two Area Codes” Valuev. I never knew the WBO was so concerned about taking care of guys who do not win an IBF eliminator.
2. Samuel Peter and James Toney are doing it again by mandate of the WBC. If that does not have you on the edge of your seat…what will? You can always switch over to ESPN Classic and watch Ali-Dunn or Ali-Jurgen Blin, one of my personal heavyweight title classics.
The Peter-Toney survivor is then mandatory for WBC king Oleg Maskaev.
3. I have it on good authority (Peter himself, telling another African boxer) that Peter is age 34 and not the advertised 26-years-old “young prospect.” Now Peter might really be 26 if he was sparring with David Izon when he was age 11. You believe that then you’ve got to start paying sanctioning fees at a mental hospital.
4. Another authoritative source tells me that Valuev is 40-plus. Do you detect a pattern of phony birth dates at the top of this division? I don’t want to seem cynical but…btw, did you hear that Ike Ibeabuchi is in prison on a bum rap…yeah, right.
5. Time for Old Fogeyism. Look around the division? Do you see a Jerry Quarry, a Jimmy Ellis, a Ron Lyle or a George Chuvalo? I don’t. What do you future Old Fogeys say? Or are you more concerned with watching UFC guru Dana White on “60 Minutes.”? Mark Ratner, quitting boxing to become the Pete Rozelle of MMA, is looking more prescient with each passing week.
6. Audley Harrison is headed for a title shot because he beat a guy he lost to who was moronic enough to take the rematch on five days notice. Who is the brilliant manager, if there is or was one, of Danny Williams? Scott Harrison, the wee lush from Scotland, has been making better decisions than that. (Aside: good guy and Eddie Futch protege, Thell Torrance, is back in Fraudley’s corner and may TT prosper.) if Frank Maloney was still alive and managing Danny Williams, this never would’ve happened.
7. Challengers are being paid purses from the mid-1980s. Know why they call Valuev victim, Owen Beck “What The Heck?” Because $30, 000 is all that he got for going to Germany, into the belly of the Valuev beast, and losing. You can’t even buy a decent SUV for that, my man. Because Monte “Less Than 52 Cards In My Deck” Barrett was paid a measly $125,000 to face the massive Valuev and Discount Boy McCline is getting a Wal-Mart purse of around $250,000. All this when German TV is outpaying HBO and Showtime combined for such fistic carnivals.
8. Briggs is a real fighter. Dr. Klitschko is a real fighter. Valuev is a modestly-talented guy who tries hard. Maskaev is a reborn journeyman who had more heart and inspiration than Hasim Rahman. But so do my three housecats. Do you see Klitschko and Briggs tangling anytime soon? I don’t but, if Don King and Sheldon Finkel sat down at the table of boxing brotherhood and got a push from Ross Greenburg and Kery Davis, it could happen quick, fast and in a hurry. King has made fights with Uncle Bob Arum so there is no reason, should HBO open up the war chest, he can’t smoke the peace pipe and tinkle with Finkel. if Klit and Shandog fought for the Bagel Belt, would one less person watch it? If the WBC and WBO did not sanction it, would it sell one less ticket in Vegas or New York? You can’t answer that and then you, my fistic fraud, do not know the difference between Sugar Ray Seales and Sugar Ray Leonard. (I would pick Seales to outquick Valuev).
9. You want wild and crazy scenes at press conferences, weigh in and on media conference calls? Can do. You will get all the vituperation and vitriol you can handle if Klitschko, Briggs and Maskaev are on the same show. Finkel would come off like Oprah sitting on the dais with King and Dennis Rappaport. Or maybe Shelly could play the Dr. Phil role between the WGP and Whacko Twin #1.
10. I have never seen a heavyweight wearing the “I Love Larry Merchant” baseball caps introduced to the world by Kassim Ouma. But word is that Briggs just bought the top of line model, the heart lights up and there is a beanie blade on top powered by a hidden lithium battery. Only 17 Shoplifting Days until Xmas so get yours now. I hear Iyvailo Gotzev, a hustling manager who manages better than his fighters usually fight, is hawking them on EBay for only $49.95. (I bought two so I guess I’ll have to skip the next two pay-per-view for bouts that blow shows.)
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