The most hilariously thrilling event this weekend took place in the UK: the amateur boxing bouts between fighters who think they’re in the heavyweight division and influencers who probably can’t spell “boxing” without auto-correct. Yes, dear readers, this is not a dream – or rather, it is a dream if your dream is to see grown men throw punches like toddlers in a playground squabble over a toy truck.
Tommy Fury, the apparent star of this circus, tried to paint a serious picture after his fight with KSI in Manchester. The young boxer, who once hinted he’d knock out KSI before the last bell, just managed to win a controversial majority decision after six rounds. Talk about a letdown!
Early in the fight, Fury was penalized for treating KSI’s head like a whack-a-mole game. But let’s not kid ourselves; KSI was no shining star either. He failed to seal the deal and later threw a tantrum when the decision didn’t favor him. Kids these days, eh?
“Robbery! It’s a robbery, bro,” exclaimed a visibly disgruntled KSI during the post-fight interview with Ariel Helwani, failing to grasp that in the real world, you need more than loud proclamations to overturn a decision. Then, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer, KSI swung his verbal jabs at Fury, “How many jabs did you land? You got hardly any shots off. Look at your face, look at your eyes. I’m the YouTuber and you’re the boxer, you have to win.” Ah, the classic ‘look at your face’ argument, because as we all know, puffy eyes are the ultimate determinants of a boxing victory!
Not content to let his wounded pride lick its wounds in silence, KSI went on a tirade about the multiple warnings Fury received for striking the back of his head. “The amount of times he hit me in the back of the head, and the referee only gave one point, and he was doing it over and over,” he ranted. “He was trying to mess up my equilibrium.” Someone, please tell this man that boxing is not a debate competition where points are awarded for the most dramatic complaints.
“It’s outrageous. We’re gonna appeal. We need to appeal. I feel like I won that.” Yes, KSI, and I feel like I should be the Queen of England, but you don’t see me parading around Buckingham Palace, do you?
Post-fight, as the sweat dripped from his brow, Fury tried to put into words why he was less Tyson Fury and more… let’s say, ‘Fluffy Fury’? He lamented, “I couldn’t use my right hand for six weeks.” Now, I’ve heard of forgetting to train or having an off day, but six weeks without a right hand? Did he misplace it somewhere? I hear the lost and found box at these events is quite significant.
Though Fury desperately tried to draw a clear line between him and his big bro, Tyson Fury (you know, the actual boxer), his efforts only deepened the shadows of comparison. But he did make a rather touching statement, if by touching we mean hilariously cliché: “I’m just trying to be the best Tommy Fury I can be.” Bless.
As for KSI? Tommy had this gem to offer: “He’s an awkward man.” Couldn’t have said it better, Tommy. The YouTube sensation-turned-aspiring boxer might want to stick to his day job. The only noise KSI seemed to make was during his post-fight tantrum.
Tommy wrapped up with a sentiment many of us share: “I’m done with this crossover s***.” Oh, Tommy, so are we. So. Are. We.
Logan Paul vs. Dillon Danis: the dramatic wild brawl!
If you ever needed proof that the world’s gone a bit loopy, the Logan Paul vs. Dillon Danis fight is all the evidence your weary soul requires. Last night, the MF & DAZN: X Series 010 — The Prime Card served us yet another dish of what can only be described as a circus masquerading as a boxing event. But hey, who needs skill when you can sell tickets, right?
From the get-go, this fight was more suited for a playground scuffle than a boxing ring. Logan Paul, the YouTuber who apparently can’t decide whether he’s a boxer, a wrestler, or a Pokemon card collector, squared up against Dillon Danis, who seems to think that an MMA background is a free pass to forget the rules of any other sport he tries.
The spectacle – sorry, “fight” – kicked off with Paul looking like he’d at least Googled the rules of boxing beforehand. Danis, however, looked like he’d been too busy flexing in the mirror to bother. He spent six rounds doing an impression of a human punching bag, with the occasional pause to remember he was supposed to move sometimes.
But kids, remember, it’s not a real circus without a stunt. As the fight dragged on, Danis must have gotten bored because he decided to spice things up with some classic jiu-jitsu moves. Because why not? It’s not like millions of REAL boxing fans were watching, expecting a good fight or anything.
End of the fifth round, Danis tried a move that had people questioning if he knew what sport he was in. The sixth wasn’t any better, with an attempted guillotine takedown that made us all cringe. Paul, in his ever-so-classy style, didn’t take kindly to these antics, opting to swipe at a downed Danis, which is kind of like getting upset at a mime for not speaking.
Then, as if the fight wasn’t already a toddler’s birthday party piñata of chaos, the ending was the candy explosion. Danis lunged, security intervened, and then decided to swing at them because, at this point, why not? He, of course, missed. It was the spark that invited both entourages into a full-blown melee. A special shoutout to Jake Paul, who jumped in like a kid who hears the ice cream truck. Meanwhile, Logan stayed back, perhaps contemplating his life choices.
The aftermath was like a scene from a bad reality show. Amidst the chaos, Logan had the audacity to criticize Danis’s jiu-jitsu skills. “He’s supposed to be good at jiu-jitsu, what happened?” Paul taunted. “I’m sorry it ended that way. Dillon Danis truly is a coward, just a dirty, dirty human being, but regardless, thank you for coming out tonight.” Oh, the irony of calling someone else dirty while you’re both rolling in the mud.
What we witnessed was less of a sport and more of a spectacle, a noisy mess that had the internet shaking its collective head. It was a reminder that influencer boxing is less about the sweet science and more about who can create the biggest circus.
Let’s be real, folks. This entire spectacle was nothing more than a cringe-worthy pantomime dressed up as sport. Two grown men, prancing around the ring, more focused on their social media stats than honing any real boxing skills. They exchanged more insults than punches, and honestly, if I wanted to see grown men bicker about who’s the toughest, I’d just replay any preschool playground squabble.
The true losers here? The sport of boxing and the audience who expected an actual fight but ended up witnessing a playground scuffle masquerading as a professional event. If this is the future of boxing, sponsored by DAZN, maybe we should just hand over the belts to the influencers and call it a day. At least that way, we wouldn’t be pretending this is anything other than what it truly is – a circus show for little children, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
To the little children out there, dreaming of being fighters – this, this right here is not it. Please, for the love of the sport, don’t aspire to this. Aspire to be real athletes, not clowns in a money-making scheme parading as a sporting event. And to the adults making this farce possible, maybe it’s time to stop treating the ring like a playground. You don’t play boxing.
In the end, this fight will fade into the noise, forgotten until the next pair of influencers roll up their sleeves and decide they’re the next Muhammad Ali. To anyone out there thinking of buying tickets to these events, remember: you’re not purchasing a sporting experience; you’re funding the ego trip of individuals who wouldn’t know a proper left hook if it smacked them in the face.
Until the next circus rolls into town, this has been your ringside dose of laughter! Cheers!