By Maverick Fantana: Recently boxing has been shook to its boots by allegations which have often been backed up with test results that some of its participants are using PEDs. Of course this is not acceptable, especially in a sport with such Christian morals (Thou shalt not low blow). Fans have been asking questions, questions that need answers sooner rather than later. It is an area not many want to delve into but they must if they want to find the truth. I think this comes down to two real reasons.. The first reason is no one wants to find out that their favourite fighter is on PEDs because they think it is cheating. The second reason is they don’t know enough information about PEDs to fully understand the implications. As a real man, such as myself, with mightily strong and big arms (11.9 inch biceps) I can shed light into the matter where other people can’t, in a non-gay way. Much like the main psychopathy reference list created by Ben Hare I have formulated a simple list which can be used to determine whether or not a fighter is taking PEDs. This list took extensive research; a lot of it was done via internet discussion groups where the information gathered was used to formulate the majority of the list. You may at first believe a list is a waste of time and that only urine or blood tests are going to prove anything but this would be the wrong attitude. Urine and blood tests fall short because they can provide false positives. It is a known fact that unless they are searching for particular substances in the blood and piss they will go undetected. This basically makes the urine and blood tests worthless, unless you have a fetish for playing with either blood or urine. But a list can be used anytime, anywhere, from the comfort of your own sofa as you watch boxing on the Television. So learn the list and use it to impress your friends with in-depth knowledge about how you can tell whether a fighter is on PEDS.
1) NOT BORN IN THE USA
If the fighter isn’t from America there is likely a strong case to be made against them for being on PEDs because as we all know only the very best fighters come from America. I have watched a lot of interviews where the disputed pound for pound king, Floyd Mayweather Jr, talks about PEDs and who he suspects is using them. It seems that Floyd believes if someone is from outside of America they are probably on PEDs. The reasons for this are largely unknown, but it’s probably because in other country’s they ‘have got all that good shit’ as Floyd Mayweather Sr once said. Usually I wouldn’t take stock in what a convicted woman beating criminal says, they are prone to lying and being dickheads, but in this case I think they are valid points and we all make mistakes. Heck, even my favourite president George Bush Jr was wrong at least once (man and fish cannot co-exist peacefully, it seems).
2) Fighter looks in shape
Make no mistake about it, if a fighter looks in shape there is a major chance they are on PEDs. It is extremely difficult for anyone to have a shredded six-pack if they are not using PEDs. Things such as intensive training, calorie deficits and determination are not going to be enough to get you that extra lean look unless you are genetically superior (like me for example). A lot of these professional fighters may well have been training for years and years and years, but this may just mean they have been using PEDs for years and years and years. In fact as a rule of thumb it most definitely does.
3) He put a bit of weight on
If a fighter has gone from 140 to 147 pounds increasing their bodyweight by 5% we have to ask, how? PEDs. No doubt about it, in pretty much all circumstances its PEDs. It seems physically impossible to be able to put on seven pounds of weight in any amount of time unless you are using PEDs or eating McDonalds. Forget about glycogen levels and the fact the body is almost entirely made up of water (at least 70%), PEDs are a likely cause of weight gain. In fact when you are on PEDs you don’t need to have a calorie surplus because PEDs just magically makes you buff and shit.
4) They refuse intrusive and obscure non mandatory blood test
This is perhaps the most controversial of all in the lists. Whilst on its own it is not a clear definite factor for being on PEDs, it is more than likely. Some say what happened to the innocent before being proven guilty motto, my response is this – that motto is dead. We have learned that if you won’t allow some unlawful searches of your private property by authorities who need to go through all your personal belongings than you are more than likely a terrorist. Likewise if you don’t submit to random blood tests which are not mandatory then you are likely a drugs cheat. There, I said it.
5) Photographic evidence of head size gain
There are many reasons why someone’s head may grow in size beyond what is deemed socially acceptable but to know the answers to that you would have to ask someone with a big fat head, like Steve Bruce. What we are looking at here are indicators of dramatic changes in the size of the skull, or even subtle ones. Now, these photographs do not need to be in anyway shape or form similar to each other, all we need is the same person(s) to directly compare. Forget about distance, lighting, clear photoshopping, these are irrelevant when matched up with the other four points listed above. It doesn’t even matter if their hair style has changed, because we can always speculate as to whether or not the hair has grown due to PED use. It has.
6) They punch hard and fast
Ever been punched hard, and repeatedly, by someone so fast you didn’t even see the punches that were being thrown? If so, you either got a good clobbering whilst having a few too many or you were the victim of a PED induced rage attack. Whilst the occasional forum thread gets opened by people who state they want to punch me I bet these people are not on PEDs so I have nothing to worry about. If they were on PEDs however their punches are suddenly on average twelve times more likely to hurt, a lot. I gathered this information from Floyd Mayweather who stated ‘I can’t fight him if he might be on PEDs, I could get hurt’. Obviously in any other fight where someone isn’t on PEDs there is no chance of Floyd getting hurt. Good job the mother of his children isn’t on PEDs.
IN CLOSING
A lot of the above is subjective and this may seem unfair, but life isn’t fair and neither is taking PEDs. It is better to completely ruin an innocent fighter’s career and harm the sport of boxing as a whole by mindlessly accusing them of PED use for their God given talents then it is to let someone gain super powers taking PEDs who might out point someone or force a premature stoppage. Truthfully PEDs should be mandatory, hopefully then we would get some exciting match ups rather than the boring rubbish we are often subjected to.
Yours in manliness,
Fantana
About the author – Fantana is the author of the eBook Kindle only series Boxing – Don’t punch me! Round 1 is out now on Amazon @ http://tinyurl.com/c3mclh7
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