Step Right up and see the Extravaganza

By Don Deane

11.07 - Ok, I know I said this would be a piece on the weekend welterweight fights. That's what I said. But in reality it just takes four words; Forrest wins, Judah wins. There you got my honest opinion. Mayorga is a joke and will be exposed. And Judah is just too fast and too good for Corley, layoff or no layoff. If I just ruined the weekend for you I apologize. I know many of you were looking forward to seeing Judah lose and throw another temper tantrum. Now moving on to the pressing issue of the day….drum roll please…..turmoil in the sporting world and how boxing would cure it.

That's right ladies and gentleman. Boxing is the cure of all sporting plagues. Take for instance Dusty Baker. For those who don't like baseball, he is the manager of the Chicago Cubs. He has been quoted as saying off color, below the belt remarks about Black and Hispanic players being able to handle the heat better than whites because of their color and yadda yadda. Now let's test that whole racial climate reaction theory. Being how Dusty is an African American male, and prone to making foul comments, I say we put him in the ring in a cold climate against a foul prone white male. We can stage this fight in Poland, a nice cold "white boy climate" and put in the ever fouling Andrew Golota. Depending on the turn out, we can run the rematch in Casablanca in the sands of the Sahara Desert. I say Golota takes a 10 round decision in Poland and Dusty knocks him out in 7 in the Desert. Thus proving Dusty to be 100% correct with his comments. Dusty says there are "no brothers on the upper peninsula of Michigan." Well there are no white boys in the jungles of Zaire either. He is very profound and is now the defending foot in mouth champion.

Also in baseball we have Randall Simon. He plays for the Pittsburgh Pirates and was recently ARRESTED for hitting a sausage racer with a baseball bat. This happened in Milwakee Wisconsin (another place where Dusty says there are no black guys). Well, to make a long story short, the kid in the oversized sausage costume suffered minor bumps and bruises and all these tough guy police officers and wussy apologist team spokesmen are blowing it way out of proportion. But guess what, there is a fight for Randall Simon too. He goes about 240 so it has to be a heavyweight. He has to be allowed to bring his bat, and he has to get it on with somebody crazy enough to go after somebody brandishing a weapon. I got it!! Mike Tyson. We can even stage it in that hotel lobby where he creamed those two guys that were swinging hotel lobby objects at him. Whatever those were. As an added bonus, we give Simon a teammate, just like the guys in the lobby. Two on one hotel lobby rumble. Randall Simon and that guy Tonya Harding hired to bash Nancy Kerrigan versus Mike Tyson. Now that Tonya has a professional, if you call it that, boxing career, this fight may actually get done. My guess says Tyson wins with two punches. One punch for each of the bat swingers.

On to the women. Women's boxing is getting hot and it could be a good way to cool tensions in such high stress, full contact sports as, uh, women's golf. Yes, golfers do have more than just tight fitting pants and goofy hats. They have tempers too as was displayed at last weeks LPGA event when Danielle Ammaccapane, 37 years old, gave an abusive lecture to golf peer Michelle Wie, 13 years old. Now this one is heated folks. We aren't talking the Laila Ali-Christy Martin fake press conference tussle. This is the real deal. We got a professional athlete picking a fight with a girl young enough to be her daughter. If boxing can fix anything, it can certainly fix her. So my proposal is the winner of Laila Ali-Christy Martin gets Danielle Ammaccapane in a 10 rounder. We can even do it on the 18th green at Augusta National. They don't allow women golfers, but will they allow women boxers? Interesting possibility.

So there you have it, the three recent perils of the sports world solved by our beloved sweet science. The fact that it involves three of the sports world's biggest dipsticks getting pounded on isn't the issue. That is just an added bonus. Hope you all had fun.

And now to answer the inevitable "what the hell did you write this for?" comment: it was all in fun and designed for humor. Be safe and have fun until next time.