Judah vs. Tyson (And Other Intergalactic Matchups)

08.11.06 By Karl E. H. Seigfried – In a galaxy that exists on a vibrational plane only slightly different from our own, on a planet our scientists refer to as Earth-B, sports history has taken a different course. In the early twenty-first century, boxing remains the premier sport, as it was on our planet during the first half of the previous century. Small children still dream of growing up to become Heavyweight Champion. Important matches are not on pay-per-view, but carried on prime-time network television. There is only one belt in each division, the UNCLE (United Nations Comprehensive Lambasting Executive), and rankings are determined by record and merit. On the nights of world championship fights, all business around the world stops as families crowd around television sets to cheer on their heroes.

However, the main difference with the current state of boxing on our own planet is the fact that, in the interests of settling questions of great historical import, matches are often made that would be completely impossible here in our own galaxy. Differences in weight class are ignored if the match is intriguing enough. Age differences are likewise unimportant, or even if the combatant is alive at the time of the bout (plastic surgery can do amazing things these days). Even if the fighters are not actually professional boxers, they can still be called into the ring to defend their honor. In this way, nagging questions of “What if?” never linger for long. The lucky inhabitants of Earth-B regularly have their dream matchups made into reality. What follows below are some of the greatest fights in recent history.

ZAB JUDAH v MIKE TYSON: In one of the bloodiest fights in living memory, both fighters are disqualified on fouls when Judah rabbit-punches Cus D’Amato as Tyson bites off Yoel Judah’s head.

VITALI KLITSCHKO v WLADIMIR KLITSCHKO: This highly-anticipated fight turns out to have a disappointing ending. It is ruled a technical draw at the start of the eighth round when Vitali, complaining of an injury to his pinkie toe, quits on his stool at the same moment that Wladimir collapses from exhaustion on his.

MICHAEL BUFFER v JIMMY LENNON, JR: In a picture-finish that makes the fight a contender for knockout of the year, Buffer, fighting nearly blind as mascara streams down his face and carves valleys in his makeup, finally pounces in the twelfth and causes a stoppage when his flurry of slaps sends gel flying from Lennon’s hair and the ref leaps in.

BERNARD HOPKINS v DUANE FORD: In a grudge match for Hopkins, the former middleweight champion is forced to take another loss at the hands of his nemesis when Ford, despite the fact that he never threw a punch, awards himself all twelve rounds, citing “ring generalship.”

FLOYD MAYWEATHER v SUGAR RAY LEONARD: After Baldomir-Mayweather brings back memories of Hagler-Leonard, the two slicksters are put in the ring together to see who can run faster. The fight is ruled a draw when, bending the laws of the Space/Time Continuum, both fighters spend twelve rounds backing away from each other, but never actually leave the ring.

GEORGE FOREMAN v JAMES TONEY: The comebacking Foreman of the 1990s is signed to take on the heavyweight version of Toney in a battle of pudgy baldies. The fight is cancelled after the weigh-in, when, in a historical first that defies all logic, neither fighter is able to make weight for the heavywight division.

JIM LAMPLEY v LARRY MERCHANT: Billed as “Contest of the Commentators,” the fight reaches a dramatic ending in round eleven when, after a sharp “This is what championship boxing is all about!” / “You are witnessing the future of the division!” combination from Lampley, Merchant rallies and puts his opponent down for the count with a deadly reminiscence of when, as a young reporter, he covered the Johnson-Jeffries fight in 1910.

That’s all, folks!

Article posted on 08.11.2006

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