Haye vs Harrison weigh in report - Face to face with the future WBA heavyweight champion of the world

audley harrisonBy Fantana: It was one of those moments that you will never forget for the rest of your man-life, like meeting your future wife or winning a game online on Fifa 11 for the first time. Today was the day I met Audley Harrison. But more on how that happened later on in this riveting article, perhaps my best yet. The day started off in a whirl as I packed my suitcase and headed off for Manchester for the big weigh in. Arriving there at half past twelve I parked in the Lowry multi-storey car park and met up with my friends who had been waiting for me patiently. At half past one they opened the doors to the place where the weigh in was being held, some sort of theatre. It was first come first serve with a maximum of one thousand allowed inside. On the stage were TV cameras and lots of people looking important and I spotted Steve Bunce who refused to wave to me and also Johnny Nelson who flat out ignored me. The excitement in the theatre was pretty high in a non-gay way and the place was pretty packed. My wife, friends and I were seated right at the back, in Row H with only posh folk in some sort of executive seats behind us and higher up.

After a few minutes fighters started coming out to weigh in including George Groves ahead of his eleventh pro fight. He was wearing a hat and looked a bit like Freddy Kruger. Lennox Lewis was also there and his name was announced to a big round of applause. The commentator for Sky asked the crowd if they thought Audley Harrison would win, I was among a small group of true believers. Us guys who raised our hands know for sure Audley will win despite what everyone says. After all the side shows and talking it was finally time for the man of the evening, Audley Harrison, to weigh in. He stormed onto the stage looking confident and ready to fight, I was so excited I gave my wife a big hug and high fived my friends. Suddenly like a storm coming from the west David Haye and his crew appeared on the stage wearing NO YOU CANT t-shirts and I booed him as much as I could but generally he received applause.

Earlier in the week the two fighters held their final press conference where Audley Harrison made David Haye slip up. In a bizarre incident clearly showing how flustered Haye is he told Audley Harrison that when he was four years old he fell off his tricycle and hurt his leg. Audley went on to say “If I have to go down in this fight I will” which can be interpreted by a real man such as myself as meaning Audley thinks perhaps little Dave’s leg has not fully healed and he will grate on the problem area whilst on the floor. When the cameraman spoke to Audley’s wife she spoke kindly of the British commoners, even the scummy ones from Manchester, and said it was good to see them back Audley. “He has been through some dark places” she said, most probably at night. She says she likes to think there is a bit of Audley Harrison in all of us, in a non-gay way.

When Audley got on the scales he looked all muscular and shit, the genuine article. If ever humanity needed a guy to fight aliens I would say “Send Audley he is the best we got”, he looked even better than the guy from Mars Attacks. I would offer to go myself but fighting aliens is hard work and my thumbs never recovered fully from playing Galaxian in the 80s. He weighed in at an impressive 253.5 pounds of pure man. David Haye weighed in at 210.5 and I had to shout “Fat boy” at him much to the disgust of the women in the upper class seats behind me. They tried to talk to me but I got my wife to stare at them. On the stage Audley and Haye had a face off but little Dave wouldn’t get too close to A-Force who dwarfed him and Lennox Lewis got in between them. I shouted “MOVE OUT THE WAY OLD MAN” but then people booed me so I had to hide and pretend it wasn’t me who shouted abuse at Canada’s premiere heavyweight. To me it was clear, Haye was scared and honestly I felt sorry for him because Audley Harrison is going to beat him up. Once that was finished they went to do TV interviews and I decided that it was my destiny to bag a hat trick and meet the third of my boxing heros, Audley Harrison. To me he is right up there with Roy Jones Jr and John Ruiz.

So, after pegging it down the stairs into the lower lobby where the stage was I came face to face with David Haye who was just a few feet away from me. We made eye contact, in a non-gay way, and Haye sort of gave me a disgusted look because I think he recognized me from the messages of mine he always deletes off his Myspace page. Quickly moving on and avoiding a physical confrontation with little Dave I pushed passed some people and there I saw Audley Harrison walking across the stage. The whole world went into slow motion and after some more pushing I got near the man of the event and was stopped by security. I couldn’t let them apprehend me and miss my big chance at meeting Audley, so I had two options. One, play dead and hope they would leave me alone - this always works on bears. Or option two, shout to Audley who was quickly moving away. Without further thought I decided to go for option two and shouted “Audley, SIR! Please can I get a picture with you?!” Audley spun around almost wiping out a few people with his huge manly fists and he looked dead at me and said “Yes you are wearing my t-shirt, let him through!” His security looked befuddled “Let who through?” he said to Audley, who seemed annoyed. Pointing at me Audley said “Fantana! That bald fat guy.” I couldn’t believe it, Audley Harrison knew my name.

As I got closer to Audley Harrison he seemed to grow and grow in size, he is an enormous man, one of the biggest I have ever seen in my whole man-life. It is kind of hard to describe but Audley kind of had this aura about him, menacing but also protecting. It was like he was one of them vicious guard dogs that kills burglars but is nice to its owners and friendly hedgehogs. With my wife long behind me and not being able to keep up with the running down the stairs I was all alone except for the man I once beat in a charity boxing event, Mark TKO. He was also wearing an Audley Harrison t-shirt and annoyingly got in on the photo opportunity of a life time. One of Audley’s minders offered to take the photograph but wasn’t sure how to work the camera, and I could feel Audley wanting to move on. After giving him a brief tutorial on how to push a button down whilst pointing a camera he said he was ready and Audley, Mark and myself lined up for the photograph and then disaster struck, some annoying bloke pushed in. It completely disrupted the whole photograph and I ended up on falling over in front of Audley Harrison. “Sorry mate I have to go” he said as he walked off leaving me on the floor.

boothI got up and brushed myself off, I felt good, real good. I let out a triumphant howl and then was asked to leave the stage by some other security man. I got my camera and walked off, finding my wife and telling her what happened. We all agreed it was a perfect day and as we made our way out to leave we bumped into David Haye’s trainer, Adam Booth. Please bear in mind myself and Mark TKO were wearing Audley Harrison t-shirts and he was wearing a “NO YOU CAN’T” t-shirt. “Alright Adam, get in a photograph?” I asked. Adam Booth said “Sure make it quick though I have to go.” He gave me a funny look as we lined up for the photo, this time Marcelo who I met at the Roy Jones Jr do also got in on the action in a non-gay way. When the photo was taken I turned to Booth and said “What round you think Haye will get knocked out in?” Adam Booth looked at me “Oh bugger off will you tit, where’s your cowboy hat?” And with that he walked off. He looked in shape and you wouldn’t want to mess with him but I am not afraid of the odd car explosion or knee scrape and this is what allows me to be so manly and ask tough questions.

After Booth left we started to make our way out back to the car park so we could go home but alas it was not to be so easy as we were stopped by the television cameras. I don’t know if it was my dashing good looks, muscular physique or the fact I was wearing an Audley Harrison t-shirt but they stopped me in my tracks and asked me a series of questions. I told them my prediction, Audley Harrison is going to win because he is the oldest, tallest and weighs the most. I told them I felt sorry for David Haye but my predictions are always spot on because I know the intricate details of boxing. I even did a zombie impression for the cameras, imitating how Audley had to fight for over 10 rounds against Sprott due to his arm injury, and the man with the microphone looked really impressed. As I left the interview some really cool guy said to me “Are you Fantana from East Side Boxing?” He was a sweet little guy and I could feel that I was some sort of hero to him “The one and only” I quipped. “Oh man you are a legend can I get your picture ?” And so it was, I got a picture with one of my fans. It always startles me when these average people want photographs with me - not even my wife likes being in a photograph with me so I don’t know why these guys do.

So roll on Saturday night I am so excited for this fight. I will be at the Manchester arena cheering Audley on, my official prediction, just like what I told the TV cameras Audley in the first round.

Yours in manliness,

About the author : Fantana will be at the fight arena from around 8 o’clock tomorrow and is very approachable if you want photos - for a very reasonable fee.

Article posted on 13.11.2010

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